1) Master the death stare
The death stare refers to the act of glaring at someone with sufficient contempt and loathing such that they disintegrate into a pool of nothingness. This is a handy little tool that saves you the trouble of having to actually engage in verbal communication with imbeciles first thing in the morning. The death stare can be used when one is subjected to the physical trauma of being trampled on in crowded buses and trains, or when you are unfortunate enough to be on the same bus as halfwits who refuse to move to the back of the bus.
Should you be successful, the intended recipient should ideally shrivel up in fear and hasten to get out of harm’s way.
2) Be alert at all times.
Once, I got yelled at by an uncle in the bus because I accidentally slapped him in the face with my ponytail. He proceeded to read me the riot act for 5 whole minutes while I alternated between wanting to throw myself under bus in humiliation, and breaking out in cold sweat at the thought that a student might be on the bus with me. So bottom line, always be vigilant instead of being absorbed in your phone, lest you suffer through the same excruciating experience that I did.
3) Be polite to your bus drivers
I have lost count of the number of times this has saved my life. The bus stop from which I take my bus in the morning has approximately 5 million people waiting for the same bus I do, at exactly the same time. But because my brain doesn’t start functioning until much later, I typically have the reflexes of the undead and the bus is full and gone by the time I even start to walk towards it. Being friendly to my bus drivers means that they usually stop the bus right in front of me, ensuring that I get to board it before the hordes of people waiting around me.
4) Be strategic (This only applies to those vying for the rare, vacant seats in the bus)
Given that my bus ride only lastly for 10 minutes, I don’t waste my time trying to get seats. So this tip is actually from watching masters at work.
Firstly, do your research. I have noticed the masters always trying to position themselves next to seats where students from my school are seated. One fine day, it finally dawned on me that this was because they know that my students get off the bus in about 6 stops, leaving the seat available and within easy reach.
The masters are also adept at contorting themselves into the minuscule of spaces in order to wedge themselves onto a seat. In fact, they often bear a remarkable resemblance to Chimpanzees performing complex circus maneuvers.